Making Marriage Memorable

MARRIAGE and OUR COMMITMENT TO GOD

2011-10-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

Our most important commitment in life is our commitment to our Lord. We say “yes” to Him as the one true God and we say “no” to all other Gods. He does not give us the option to be inclusive in our faith. Our faith is exclusive in love and devotion to Him, no other gods.

The first of the 10 commandments: “You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:3

How would your commitment to God influence the quality or character of your marriage?

He says that when I make a commitment to my spouse at my wedding that I am giving my word before Him too.

When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. Numbers 30:2

As a Christian, I have declared that Jesus is Lord of my life. As my Lord, He says that I am to keep my word. My devotion to Him obligates me to keep my vow to anyone, most of all to my spouse.

Hopefully, I have a commitment of dedication (devotion) and constraint to Him. I am devoted to having an intimate relationship with Him. I am constrained from pursuing an ungodly lifestyle because of my love for Him.

But also, my commitment in marriage is a covenant. God says in Malachi 2:14 …. she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

In this covenant relationship, not only am I committed to my spouse but also to God. He is part of the covenant relationship. It is not a contract to be broken or re-written. It is not just a legal procedure. It is a commitment to God and to my spouse – a lifetime commitment to remain married to that person as long as both of us are still alive.

As part of the covenant relationship, God commits Himself to keeping my marriage together.

When God made the covenant with Abraham (Genesis 15), He let Abraham know that God was obligating Himself to keeping that covenant; it was not up to Abraham alone.

God gave us a new covenant through Jesus Christ. Again, He says that once we enter into that covenant relationship, He commits to us to keep that covenant. He demonstrates throughout the Bible that He is faithful, even when we are unfaithful.

He gives us that commitment to our marriage. He will make it possible to keep that marriage covenant if we are willing. He gives us the guidance, His presence, and His power to make a great marriage - one that glorifies Him and is a picture of Christ and the Church in this world.

I can pray and ask God to show me where my commitment level is to Him and what He wants for our marriage.

See our previous post on The Character in Your Marriage - Commitment.

The Character in Your Marriage - Commitment

2011-10-11T10:46:00.000-05:00

Some of us are married to characters. Some wish the one to whom they are married had more character. Then there are those of us who cringe when others say our faces show lots of character - we know they really mean "wrinkles."

When we talk about the character of marriage, what do we mean?

The word character means those moral or ethical qualities. So the character of marriage includes those moral or ethical qualities that make a marriage – not just a good marriage but a great, enduring marriage.

“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things man chooses or avoids." Aristotle

To us, the most important character quality in marriage is commitment. In the baseline survey done for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, when asked why they got a divorce, the majority answered "a lack of commitment."

As we meet with couples, we look for a level of commitment. We ask them if they are ready to do whatever it takes to save their marriage. Even for couples who are not in a crisis, the commitment makes a difference in the quality of their marriage.

What is commitment? The dictionary says it is a pledge or a promise, an obligation.

Scott Stanley talks extensively about the topic in his book The Power of Commitment.

He defines two kinds of commitment:

1. Commitment of dedication – ex. “He is very committed to improving his golf game.” He is dedicated to getting better at golf. He does it because he loves it or has a drive to meet the challenge of mastering the game.

Dedication implies an internal state of devotion to a person or a project.

It includes the idea of moving forward, a motivating force, based on the thoughtful decisions you made to give your best effort.

2. Commitment of constraint – ex. “He has committed to play in the golf tournament. His team won’t be able to play without him.”

Constraint entails a sense of obligation. It refers to factors that would be costs if the present course were abandoned.

The commitment of dedication is a force drawing you forward. The commitment of constraint is a force pushing you from behind.

What do you think a marriage would be like if you only had the commitment of constraint?

Couples who maintain and act on dedication are more connected, happier, and more open with each other. Those who lose dedication and have only constraints will either be together but miserable or come apart. The loss of dedication represents the loss of the will to try, the loss of the sense of “us,” and the loss of the actions that protect a marriage over time. A marriage without dedication is a marriage without passion or without life.

Some examples of constraints are:

Social pressure – how will friends and/or family react?

Morality of divorce – how much do you believe that divorce is wrong?

Concern for the welfare of your children – do you believe your children will be harmed by the divorce?

Financial limitations and loss – how will you lifestyle change if you get a divorce

Termination procedures – how difficult are the steps to end the marriage?

Alternative quality – what kind of quality of life do you think you will have living apart from your mate?

What do you think a marriage would be like if you only had the commitment of dedication?

A marriage with dedication or devotion will almost always have a commitment of constraint also, but if it did not, the marriage might get better but there would be no commitment that it would last. The marriage might be very exciting and fun while it lasted, until one of the partners found someone else to be devoted to. There would always be that uncertainty whether it would last.

We have seen three commitments make a marriage great – commitment to God, to the marriage, and to the spouse. In the next post, we explain those three kinds of commitment.

By: Donna Edwards

An Unguarded Strength

2011-06-12T08:48:00.000-05:00

A number of years ago news reporters splashed a bizarre story across the world:“East German youth pilots glider into Red Square!” It was hard to believe, but, on a dare, a seventeen year old from East Germany landed an ultra lite glider in one of the most highly guarded air spaces in the world--Red Square, downtown Moscow, in the Soviet Union. No one imagined such a thing could be done because of the strong Soviet defense system. But in the heart of the Soviet’s strength, the East German had found a weakness.

A middle aged man named Gordon watched that news story on his television and commented remorsefully to his wife, “I feel like that’s what happened to me. I feel like I allowed myself to be attacked and conquered in what should have been my area of greatest strength--my personal integrity.“ His wife nodded in sympathetic agreement. Gordon’s air space had been invaded because he had not guarded his strength.

Gordon’s story is a sad but instructive one. He was a prominent Christian leader, speaker and author. He was widely respected and viewed as a role model by many. But at the height of his effectiveness, Gordon fell off the fidelity wagon. Although married, he had an illicit relationship with his secretary. When he finally came to his senses and ended the affair, Gordon took steps to correct the situation as much as possible. He confessed to his wife and to a small group of men. He voluntarily stepped out of his ministry and submitted himself to the authority of his men’s accountability group. Day by day, inch by inch, Gordon worked to rectify the situation and save his marriage. Now, many years later, Gordon’s marriage is strong, he has regained the wide respect he nearly lost, and he is once again ministering across the country. But he speaks candidly about his fall and how it might have been prevented.

“An unguarded strength is a double weakness”, says Gordon, quoting G. K. Chesterton. Gordon thought he would not--could not--fall in the area of his personal integrity. In fact he told a friend, prior to his affair, “It could never happen, I’m too strong in that area.” But that was the very area he was attacked. Like the intensely defended Normandy beach, which Hitler thought would never be the site of a World War II invasion; Gordon fell in the area of his strength. Gordon would have done well to heed the advice wise man Solomon wrote in Proverbs 16:18, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before stumbling.” Pride makes us all blind in the areas where we think we are strong.

Perhaps there’s an area like this in your life. You are probably acutely aware of your weaknesses, and are constantly on guard in those areas of your life. But what about the areas you think you’re strong? Are you guarding those as well? Think through your personal habits, character traits, and talents. Pay particular attention to those areas that could potentially impact your marriage or family relationships. Then identify your “strengths” and resolve not to leave them unguarded. You don’t want to end up like the red faced soldiers guarding Red Square. You don’t want to end up with the regrets of Gordon. Guard your heart.

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

by Jim Priest

2011-05-23T15:25:00.002-05:00

Greatest Marriage Proposal EVER!

Forgiveness in Marriage

2011-05-18T16:14:00.000-05:00

Is lack of forgiveness a problem in many marriages?

Years ago a couple named Jack and Ruth asked to talk with me. They were part of The Greatest Generation, having endured many hardships over their fifty years of marriage. But they had one thing that threatened to drive them apart. Jack’s lack of forgiveness.

Jack married Ruth just before leaving for the war in Europe, but something happened between Jack’s departure and his safe arrival back home. While he was overseas, friends had written to Jack, telling him they had seen Ruth at a dance with another man. They had seen her kiss the other man. Jack was wild with anger, but could do nothing about the situation until he arrived home. When he did, Ruth admitted dancing with a friend of Jack’s, and, yes, she had also kissed him. Once. But that was all. Honest. Ruth begged his forgiveness and Jack shrugged back a response, muttering, “The past is the past”.

Life went on, as did their marriage. They had several children. Then grandkids. They celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. But something was missing.

Jack had never forgiven Ruth. Through the years, whenever Ruth arrived home late, Jack was full of accusations and reminders of the past. If any man ever paid Ruth too much attention, Jack accused her. Although he had muttered, “The past is the past”, he continued to live with the past. He doggedly refused to forgive Ruth’s decades old indiscretion.

I asked a friend of mine who serves as a divorce court judge what the most common problem was among couples seeking divorce. “Lack of forgiveness” was his quick reply. “I see it in nearly every couple. It doesn’t matter if the initial issue was big or small, by the time they get to court the issue has become monumental because one won’t forgive the other.”

How do we learn to forgive one another? It is both a skill and a process. According to the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), there are several steps:

1. Forgiveness is giving up your perceived right to get even. It is canceling a debt. It is saying “I’m not going to hold this against you.”

2. Forgiveness is a conscious act of the will--a choice. I stop shouting “I can never forgive you for this!” and I start working through the sometimes long process of releasing my anger toward you.

3. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a sign of brain damage. We must choose to forgive not just once, but each time the offense comes back to our mind.

4. Forgiveness begins with an appropriate apology. Apologizing is a three step process: Acknowledge you’re wrong. Admit your regret. Ask for forgiveness. The apologizer looks the offended person in the eye, calls them by name, and says, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Don’t leave out any of the three steps.

To my knowledge, Jack never did forgive Ruth. They celebrated fifty years, but they couldn’t celebrate their marriage. Lack of forgiveness chokes the air out of relationships, but an accepted apology breathes life back in. Breathe some life back into your marriage. Forgive.

By Jim Priest

Showing Grace in a Tight Spot

2011-05-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

I was in a "tight spot" recently and recalled a lesson I learned from reading about Sir Earnest Shackleton and his 1914 Trans-Antarctic expedition. (Ok, I admit it. I'm a history nerd!)

The lesson was this: when you are in a "tight place" (stressed, pressured, depleted or oppressed) you should display MORE common courtesy and grace to others than you normally would. This is especially important when you're married and in a tight place and under stress.

That sounds like odd advice. Difficult to imagine doing. Usually, when we're stressed, our impulse and natural bent is to display LESS courtesy and grace. We are MORE impatient with others. MORE curt in our tone of voice. LESS willing to be understanding and forgiving. But Shackleton taught me to do just the opposite and it's advice that works in real life.

Earnest Shackleton and twenty seven men set sail from England in August 1914 just before the outbreak of World War I. Their mission was to travel to the Antarctica and be the first to cross that continent. But despite great planning and preparation Shackleton, his men and their ship, the Endurance, became locked in the frozen waters of the Antarctic Ocean and held captive by the ice for 20 months. Ultimately the ice crushed and sank their ship and their story of survival on the frozen continent (not one man perished) is nothing short of miraculous.

Toward the end of their two year journey of survival in the icy Antarctic, Shackleton and two of his crew hiked the final grueling miles toward a whaling station that meant rescue for themselves and the men they had left behind at a safe camp. As these three men crossed frozen miles of unyielding terrain, deep crevices and high mountains, they were pushed to their limits both physically and mentally. You might think, after months of hardship, they would be short-tempered and mean spirited toward each other, lacking patience and consideration for one another in the harsh environment. Just the contrary. These three men were under unbelievable stress but still exhibited a remarkable display of courtesy and grace toward one another.

Frank Worsley, one of Shackleton’s companions on the last leg of the survival sojourn, wrote this in his diary:

“When men are as tired as we were, their nerves are on edge and it is necessary for each man to take pains not to irritate the others. On this march we treated each other with a good deal more consideration than we should have done in normal circumstances. Never is etiquette and good form observed more carefully than by experienced travelers when they find themselves in a tight place.”

Treating each other with more consideration? Taking pains not to irritate each other? Etiquette and good form in tight places? Worsley’s observations, which seemed so self evident to him, are largely missing from our modern world and from our own marriages.

Think of the behavior most of us display toward our spouses during hectic times—like the end of the month when money is running out, or when problems crop up with the kids.. Instead of more consideration when we are in such a tight place we often show less. Do we, like Shackleton’s men “take pains not to irritate each other”, or are we short on patience and insensitive to the feelings of our husband or wife? Is “etiquette and good form” shown toward the one you love or is common coutesy thrown out the door as a needless nicety?

Shackleton and the men of the Endurance survived, in part, because they were hardy souls who were competent and courageous. But a large part of their survival—both mental and physical, was because of the common courtesies displayed toward one another.

We may never be frozen on a ship in the Antarctic or have our backs to the wall in a dramatic expedition. But, on a regular basis, we find in “tight places”. It is then we must show courtesy and grace. When you find yourself in a tight place, remember the words of Frank Worsley. Take pains not to irritate each other. Treat your spouse with more—not less—respect than in normal circumstances. Observe etiquette and good form even though your marriage is stressed out. If you will do these things, you can survive your tight place even in the face of insurmountable odds.

By Jim Priest

Choosing to Cheat

2011-05-09T10:12:00.000-05:00

Andy Stanley, Pastor of the mega member North Point Community Church in Atlanta Georgia, wants you to cheat. That doesn’t sound right, does it? But Stanley wrote a book awhile back entitled Choosing to Cheat, in which he advocates cheating to achieve balance in our marriage, our families and our lives.

Now I’m not an advocate of cheating. Any place. Any time. But after reading Stanley’s book I began to realize, I’ve been cheating for years. And so have you.

Stanley also recognizes this: “Everybody cheats. We have to. You have several important calls on your life. You have career potential to fulfill, a spouse to love, a family to raise, a ministry to perform. The list goes on. None of them should be neglected. However, when you consider the limited number of hours in a day, there’s no way you can reach your full potential in all of those areas. There’s just not enough time.’’

So we cheat. We pull a time that should be spent on one responsibility to spend time on another. We get home later than we should so we can put in the required effort on a work project. We promise our spouse we’ll “make it up to them later” when we have to cut short our vacation because of a crisis at work. But if a big enough crisis at home hits the family, we turn around and cheat at work. If our son has a substance abuse problem we take off from work to be with him. If our spouse walks out on us, we pull away from our jobs to attend intensive counseling sessions.

We cheat according to the crisis of the moment. Instead of being a slave to the current crisis, asks Stanley, why not choose to cheat by principle?

Most of us would say our marriage and family are the most important things in our lives. Even though our jobs demand a lot of our time, we say we intend for our spouse to have first place. But Stanley rightly says our husbands and wives can’t see our good intentions. They don’t want to mentally know you love them as much as they want to visibly see how you love them. When we give work a higher priority than our husband or wife, we cheat them. Guess what? They don’t like feeling cheated. Neither do we when it happens to us.

Stanley’s solution? Make a decision that you will “cheat” your work. He doesn’t mean stealing time from your employer, but he does mean shaving time off your work schedule, by agreement, in order to spend time with your spouse and family. Stanley gives us this concise list to follow:

Make up your mind that you will spend priority time with your family
Develop a plan that will allow you to do it.
Deliver and discuss it diplomatically with your boss
Be willing to walk if you can’t work something out
Watch for God to work in your situation

Now that’s the kind of cheating I can endorse. Why not begin by making up your mind to put your time where you say your priority is. Choose to cheat by principle. You and your spouse will be glad you got caught cheating.

Thought for the week: Don’t cheat on your most important investment: your marriage.

By Jim Priest

Let’s Be Friends

2011-04-04T14:58:00.007-05:00

It’s the killer phrase we dread hearing from someone we date: “I want to be friends.” Translated, that statement usually means, “I don’t want our relationship to get serious—and I’m getting ready to dump you!”

But what if we said those words after we got married?
What if we tried to really develop a friendship with our spouse?
What impact would it have on our marital satisfaction?

The following story about the necessity of friendship is told in the book, “The Most Important Year in a Man’s Life: What Every Groom Needs to Know”

“Scott and Monica fell in love in college. Scott had come from a long line of thoughtful and contemplative people. ‘No need for small talk’ was spot welded to his DNA. Monica was warm and outgoing. It didn’t take long after their wedding for those two qualities to meet nose to nose. In fact, Monica had a sinking feeling on their honeymoon. Scott’s emotionless two or three word answers to her questions gripped her with a strange sense of loneliness. Twenty five years and four children later Scott called his friend to announce ‘Monica is leaving me today.’”

The kids were graduated, so Monica decided to move to another city and take up with an old high school flame. A man who liked to talk to her. A man who, she thought, would be her friend. It wasn’t that Scott was an evil man. He just never talked to his wife. He didn’t pursue a friendship with Monica. The result: she pursued friendship elsewhere. Scott and Monica’s story is replayed in varying versions all across America.

Dr. John Gottman, University of Washington professor and marriage expert, has studied marriages for years. He has a “love lab” where he invites couples to live in a nicely furnished apartment outfitted with video cameras and microphones (except in the bedroom and bathroom!). What has Gottman learned? He claims he can predict the future success or failure of a marriage with 90% accuracy by identifying “marriage destroying and marriage protecting behaviors”. By far the most significant marriage protector is friendship.

Gottman says:
“The determining factor in whether most wives feel satisfied in their marriage is the quality of the couple’s friendship. For most men, the determining factor is the same. So men and women come from the same planet after all….Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”

It sounds so simple it makes you wonder why people don’t work at building a friendship with their spouse. We know how to do it. We’ve all made friends before. Listen. Help out. Speak kindly. Have fun together. What a revolutionary idea. Try it this week. Work on building a friendship with your spouse!

Baseball is like marriage and versa vice

2011-03-21T14:35:00.000-05:00

In case it has slipped your attention, there are only 9 days, 13 hours and 6 minutes until Opening Day of the Major League Baseball season. In my humble opinion, baseball is the best sport in the world but I have found, over the years, fewer people are paying attention to it. Maybe it was the baseball strike many years ago, or the steroids scandal. Or maybe the games move just to slowly for our fast paced society. But baseball has many redeeming characteristics; chief among them is its similarity to marriage.

Observe how the two imitate each other:

Baseball is a game without a clock. In theory, an inning can stretch to eternity. Some marital arguments feel that way too. But so do some of the great times. And marriage, like an inning of baseball, should run to eternity. There should be no “we’ve run out of time” or “we just fell out of love.” In marriage, you gotta play at least till the 9th inning.

Baseball is played as a team and although individual performance is important, no one wins a baseball game alone. No matter how egotistical, no successful baseball player has ever bragged, “I made this team successful all by myself.” They know better. It takes nine players, each functioning in their role, to make the baseball machine run smoothly. Ditto for marriage. Some days, one marriage partner may feel like they’re juggling all the balls and pulling all the weight; but that usually doesn’t last long in a successful marriage. One partner pitches (in), the other catches (up). One’s a long ball hitter, the other hits for average. God puts marriage partners who are different together to complement each other and to play as a team.

Baseball players need managers and coaches—people who have done it before and offer advice about how to do it better. I love watching what happens in the dug out during a game. The manager leans over and talks to the bench coach. The pitching coach gets on the phone to talk to the bull pen and the base coaches flash signals to the runners. Words of advice flow like, “Try to swing level” or “You’re dropping your arm when you deliver the ball.” Good marriages require coaching (or counseling) from time to time also. If we’ll seek some professional advice or marriage mentoring, we can improve our game.

In baseball, you have to touch all the bases. If you miss a base they call you out. The failure to touch all the bases can be deadly in marriage too. We need to pay attention to the importance of physical affirmation through touch. Some of us need it more than others, but all of us need at least some of it. Loving, gentle touches of affection exchanged between husband and wife will put you ahead and keep your winning streak alive.

The baseball season consists of 162 games—that’s a long season. Too long, my wife says. And I admit, it is a bit of a marathon for the teams and fans. But it’s the team that does the best over the long haul that’s declared the champion in the fall. Hot teams who start great in April, but fizzle in August, never see the World Series. It takes consistent, faithful play day after day to be a winner. This is true in marriage, of course. You can’t be a great husband or wife for the first year or two and expect to coast the rest of the way. Every day is game day in our marriages and we have to play our best throughout the long season of life.

Baseball, like marriage, is sacred. The Yankees play in a stadium sometimes referred to as “the cathedral.” There’s an exhibit in the Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame called “Sacred Ground." Professor William Herzog II, a New Testament scholar at Colgate Rochester Divinity School says, "People are incurably religious. We have to have some form of religion, and for some people it's baseball. It's only a game, but it has elements that point beyond." So does marriage. Marriage is a sacrament, a gift from God, created by God, to glorify God. Given that, it’s important that we give it our best efforts and treat it with the honor and respect it is due. The New Testament writer of Hebrews says, “Let marriage be held in honor by all”. We can do that best by working hard at our own marriages.

So welcome to the start of baseball season in just a little over nine days! And welcome to a new season of marriage where you, with coaching and commitment, can be a winner!

By Jim Priest

Chore Wars

2011-02-28T12:10:00.000-06:00

The Surprising Truth About Household Chores

This is the final installment in a series of blog entries about things about which couples argue. This week's entry subject is household chores. Actually, I was supposed to write this entry two weeks ago but my wife had me so busy doing work around the house I am just now getting to write. (Just kidding, honey.)

Someone has referred to this subject as "chore wars" and in many homes household work really is a battle. Almost without exception the problem can be summarized like this: "He" (and this is referring to the male, the man, the husband, the x chromosome, the guy) "doesn't help with chores!". This saying is usually uttered by the female through clenched teeth, or with a sigh of exasperation, often accompanied by hands thrown up in disgust or despair. In the many years I've worked with couples I've never heard a husband complain that his wife doesn't help out around the house. This subject is the number one complaint from wives.

What's the number one complaint from husbands about their wives? Nagging. See the connection? He fails to help with chores. She nags him to help. He ignores, forgets, or refuses which leads her to nag more. It's like the downward spiral of a jet fighter who lost the air battle.

Rather than get bogged down in an analysis of why men never see things to be done, let me simply share the single most exciting discovery I made as a husband. This is not something anyone told me although it should be lesson #1 in all pre-marriage classes.

Doing housework makes you sexy.

I stumbled upon this quite accidently, years, ago while cleaning out the garage. It was a hot day and I was dirty from a couple hours of labor when my wife brought some trash out to the trash can and said "It's so sexy when you do chores around the house!" I suffered whip lash from my reaction. "What!? Doing work around the house is sexy? Then give me another mop bucket" I declared. She just winked and returned inside the house. I quickly finished up the garage.

I share my experience with every husband-to-be I talk with. And recently my own experience was confirmed by no less a source than the Wall Street Journal in an article entitled "Housework Pays Off Between the Sheets."

Housework may seem like the ultimate romance-killer. But guess what? A new study shows that for husbands and wives alike, the more housework you do, the more often you are likely to have sex with your spouse.
So in the interest of promoting more marital intimacy for every couple, here are some specific recommendations from Rachel Moheban, LCSW on the subject of winning the chore war:

1.) Tell your partner what you want or need without being judgmental. Be respectful and avoid criticisms. Never start a conversation with “You’re lazy!” This will only lead to anger and will make the situation worse.

2.) Present completing housework as the problem. Never make your partner feel as if they are the problem. Be open with your partner that you need help with housework without placing the blame.

3.) After you make your request, be open to ideas and suggestions from your partner. If you don’t agree with your partner’s ideas, stay calm and discuss alternatives.

4.) Bring up the subject while spending time with your partner. Don’t make it seem as if this is the only topic you want to discuss. If you do, your partner will become defensive immediately.

5.) Be friendly, open, honest, and make it personal. You can say “Darling, it would make me so happy if you would take out the trash when the bin is full.”

6.) Realize that small steps are important. Don’t expect big changes overnight. Transitioning from not doing housework to assisting with housework will take time.

Other articles in the series on arguing:
Sex
Work
Kids
By Jim Priest

Dream Marriage seminar - pics

2011-02-12T22:26:00.000-06:00

Who Needs Marriage? Reviving the Marriage Culture

2011-02-11T11:05:00.000-06:00

Listen Now | Download

a BreakPoint Commentary by Chuck Colson, 2-11-11

Is traditional marriage really that important? Only if we want to avoid economic and social collapse.

That was the title of a recent Time magazine cover story about how the institution of marriage has changed in recent decades.

Citing a much-publicized Pew study, Time reports that 40 percent of Americans believe that marriage is obsolete. But if marriage is obsolete, then such things as healthy societies soon will be obsolete as well.

In fact, the economic and social costs of marital breakdown in America are simply staggering. Two of our Centurions, my good friend and colleague Chuck Stetson and Sheila Weber, have launched a national campaign called “Let’s Strengthen Marriage,” to re-build a culture of marriage here in America and around the world. Here are just some of the facts they’ve gathered:

In economic terms, divorce and unmarried childbearing cost American taxpayers at least $112 billion per year and significantly increase poverty rates of both mothers and children. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers.

The social cost is huge—like building prisons. The vast majority of the men and women I’ve met behind bars come from broken homes or have grown up without a father in their lives. In 2009, California proved that we can’t build jails fast enough to accommodate these men and women when a panel of three judges ordered the state to release 27 percent of its prisoners due to overcrowding.

As if all that weren’t bad enough, the decline of marriage does not bode well for the future. Declining marriage rates lead to declining fertility rates. And many Western nations, not to mention Japan and China, will be dealing with an economically unsustainable situation by mid century. They will have half the number of able-bodied workers and twice as many people over 65 not earning money. Who is going to pay for government debt, pensions and healthcare?

Given these disastrous consequences, how can anyone maintain with a straight face that marriage isn’t that important? How can the Church stand on the sidelines while judges and legislators seek to re-define the very institution of marriage?

We are in the middle of National Marriage Week 2011 which concludes Monday, Valentine’s Day. I want you to think about what you can do to strengthen not only your own marriage, but marriages in your church and your community. We all need to do better.

And think about what you can do to strengthen the culture of marriage—especially in the Church. Get your pastor to preach on the importance of marriage. Urge him or her to institute marriage preparation classes for engaged couples and marriage enrichment course for those already married. And talk to your children and to young adults why marriage is such a beautiful part of God’s plan for men and women.

Come to our website, BreakPoint.org, and we’ll point you to the Let’s Strengthen Marriage Campaign, as well as to other organizations like Marriage Savers that work to strengthen marriage. You’ll find plenty of resources and contacts to get you started.

Unless we begin to shore up this now-fragile institution, we are headed for both social and eventually economic collapse.

So the next time you hear someone ask, “Who needs marriage?” you need to tell them: “We all do.”

Dream Marriage Simulcast

2011-02-09T13:32:00.000-06:00

Still time to sign-up for the Dream Marriage simulcast on Friday night and Saturday morning, February 11-12.

Give your marriage a gift for Valentine's Day!

See details and how to sign-up on this page.

Jimmy and Karen Evans, of Marriage Today, host a weekly TV program on Wednesday nights. He is also author of the widely used Marriage on the Rock: God's Design for Your Dream Marriage

series and book.

Arguing Over the Kids

2011-02-08T11:08:00.004-06:00

I'm continuing a blog series (does that make this a "bleerie"?) on the subject of things couples fight about. This week's topic is "children".

I remember hearing Jay Kessler speak on marriage and family and Kessler remarked "Immediately after children are born, while they are in the hospital nursery and out of sight, someone comes around and whispers in their little ears, "Divide and conquer--divide and conquer!" Jay's right. There is something inherent in kids that seems to divide couples, causing the kid to "win". Whether it's arguments over bedtime, discipline, eating habits or dating, the fabric of our marriages can become frayed from the push and pull of children. Husbands and wives often have divergent views about how kids should be raised. The problems are compounded in blended families.

So here's my bottom line on how to minimize marital disruption in this area: make your kids second. Your marriage partner--and your marriage--should always have a higher priority than your kids.

The first time I mentioned this in an on-air television interview, the show host was incredulous. "You can't be serious!" she exclaimed. "If I did that I wouldn't be a good parent." I told her just the opposite was true. I said her kids would do better if they realized their parents' marriage came first. I related to the host how I used to tell my kids while they were growing up , 'I love you guys very much. You're about a 9.8 on a 10 point scale--but your mom is a "10." ' I also told the host when I got home from work I would always seek out my wife first, greet her with a kiss, then greet the children. It was just a way of reminding them(and her) who had first place in my heart. After telling the television host all this she remained unconvinced. But several years later I saw her again and she told me "You know, you were right. I started putting my husband first and it's worked out great."

I later discovered I was not alone in my opinion. Author David Code released a book last year entitled To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First.

Writer Lylah M. Alphonse agrees in an article, "Putting your marriage first may be better for your kids."

So does New York Times writer Lisa Belkin, "Priorities: Children or Spouse?"

So I guess I can't be totally crazy.

Putting the priority on your spouse won't wave a magic wand of peace over disagreements with your spouse about your kids. You'll still have to work together and work through differing opinions about the "right" way to raise kids. But if you put your priority on the marriage relationship, the other stuff tends to fall in place easier. Make your spouse your priority. Make your kids (an important) second.

By Jim Priest

Fighting about Work

2011-01-31T10:41:00.000-06:00

I'm blogging this month about issues couples fight about. So far we've talked about money and sex. The next topic to tackle is "work" . I wanted to write about this earlier, but my work has taken up so much of my time I haven't been able to write.

Not really. But you get the idea. Work is the bully that elbows out the other important things of your life. Work can suck the life out of your marriage quicker than a power vacuum cleans your carpet. Work is demanding, exhausting, intrusive and time consuming.

Yet, most of us have to work. In fact, God has ordained for us to work. He gave Adam and Eve jobs even in the Garden of Eden. Work can provide us with the satisfaction of a job well done. Our work can help people. It can provide us the income we need. So while work has a definite downside it has a decided upside as well.

But work is a tiger to be tamed. Uncontrolled and unleashed it will rip relationships apart. That's why it's the source of many marital arguments. One (or both) spouse lets their work become more important than family. When work takes top priority suppers are left cold on the table, conversation goes extinct, and ball games or recitals are forgotten. Whether you are a one or two income family, your job must be viewed for what it is: something that is important, but not as important as your spouse and children.
Here's a quick check list of things that may help tame the beast called work:

1. Give your spouse permission to tell you (diplomatically!) when your work/life balance is out of whack. Don't be defensive and offer excuses, just listen and brainstorm ideas together about how to restore some sanity to your work life and home life.

2. Decide on your priorities, then talk about them to others and live them. In one of my first job interviews a potential employer told me his firm was considering going to mandatory Saturday hours for associates: "How does that strike you--working 6 days a week?" I told him it wouldn't align very well with my priorities. "Well, what ARE your priorities Mr. Priest?" I told him my relationship with God was first, my relationship with my spouse was second, and my job was third. "That doesn't mean I won't work hard and do a great job--it just means my job isn't going to be the most important thing in my life." Not surprisingly, I didn't get that job. But I did get another one--a great one--one that aligned with my values. I'm not perfect in always putting my job in its proper place, but I have tried to consistently remind myself about what's most important, and then make decisions based on those priorities.

3. Years ago a friend gave me this great advice: "Put your work related appointments on your calendar in pencil and your family commitments in ink." Even though most of us now use computers or blackberries for our calendars the advice still rings true: If you say you're going to make it to dinner with your spouse, make it; don't let the job push him or her out. If you commit to going to your kids ball game, be there; don't let a customer or client take their place.

4. Finally, if you find yourselves, as a couple, unable to talk calmly and rationally about this subject, try using the Speaker Listener technique. See this link to an NBC Today show story about how to "fight fair" with your spouse using the Speaker Listener technique.

So remember, as a counselor once told me: "Your job is not your life. It's an important part of your life, but it's not your life." Keep your relationships as your priority. Because no one, on the death bed, ever said "I wished I'd spent more time at my job."

By Jim Priest

Arguing about Sex

2011-01-26T13:10:00.000-06:00

I’m writing a series of articles about fights in marriage and this week's topic is sex. That got your attention, didn’t it?

When it comes to marital fights, sex is the topic with nuclear fire power. It has great potential to unite a couple, but it also can attack and destroy on many levels. Sex arguments have a multitude of subparts that can fan a flame of disagreement into a conflagration: frequency, quantity, quality, pornography, infidelity and lack of interest are all common sources of fights in a marriage. And it’s important to remember sex is not just a “physical thing”. Sex involves more than just your body. Michele Weiner-Davis writes:

I've been a marriage therapist for two decades. I've been privileged to hear the real stories of people's lives- the joys, the pain, the challenges, the payoffs. I've had a bird's eye view of what truly happens to marriages in which one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail.

On her website, http://www.divorcebusting.com/ , Davis shares excerpts from people (not married to each other) struggling with the lack of sex in their marriage:

A man writes: Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am twenty-eight years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me, my wife is not interested in sex. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection.

A woman writes: I have a husband who is a good guy; great father, good provider, but I have no lover. This lack of sex in my marriage is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a sexual rebirth, a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and sexual resentment and desperation accumulate. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being sex deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.

See? The woman says “It’s so much more than sex.” This goes back to my original observation. Sex is not just a physical thing. Sex engages us on a physical, emotional, mental and even a spiritual level. Sex is “good” (check out the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament if you’re a doubter). But like every good thing, it can be twisted and misused.

If you’re having fights about sex in your marriage no glib list of suggestions will smooth out all your waves. But try one or more of these tactics:

1. Try Weiner-Davis’ “Great American Sex Challenge”. Weiner writes: “For the next two weeks, do an experiment. Whether you're completely in the mood or not, make your sexual relationship a bigger priority. Initiate sex. Flirt. Be sexy- fondle your spouse when you pass in the hall, send sexy emails or pager messages, compliment your spouse on the way s/he looks, get out of your dumpy, sweat pants and put energy into how you look, be more creative during love-making. Then fasten your seatbelts. You are about to see your grouchy, withdrawn spouse transform before your very eyes. If you don't believe it, JUST DO IT and watch what happens.

2. Try talking through your sex related issue using the “speaker listener” technique. Here’s a link to a youtube video that gives some instruction on this communication approach. It’s a good way to talk when you encounter “hot topics”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CgieMDTmB4

3. If these “do it yourself” approaches don’t work, seriously consider getting counseling. It is especially difficult to be unemotional and thoughtful when talking to your marriage partner about sex. Sometimes a third party counselor is needed. Push yourself over the speed bump of hesitation (Oh no! I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our sex life!). It will be worth it.

Remember, sex has great potential—for uniting or dividing. Do the hard work necessary to make its potential result in good things for your marriage.

By Jim Priest

The Love of Money and Lack of Common Sense

2011-01-17T21:25:00.000-06:00

I told a recent marriage seminar group "If you're married and you never argue, one of you is dead."

Obviously that's a (slight) overstatement, but the truth is nearly all couples argue from time to time. What do they argue about"? Relationship therapist Paula Hall says the top five things that couples argue about are:

• Money
• Sex
• Work
• Children
• Housework

We'll look at each of those in the weeks ahead. This week: money

Every couple has money trouble of some kind but two news stories highlight unusual family financial fiascoes.

First item, Los Angeles, California: Writer Steve Young tried to “sell” his family on E-Bay for five million dollars. Young and his family posted an auction item on the internet website offering to provide a “lifetime of platonic companionship, including invitations to family outings and holiday gatherings as well as tips on writing, gardening and cooking” for a minimum bid of five million dollars. The Young's offered to move to any location, become the winner’s “family” and adopt the winner’s surname. The Young’s E-Bay item received more than 10,000 hits within minutes of its posting but E-Bay pulled it before a deal could be completed (the company has a policy against the sale of humans). Mr. Young was disappointed. “You have patrons of the arts, museums and charities. I wanted a patron for my family,” he said.

Second item, Barnegat, New Jersey: The entire family of Kevin and Kathleen Jones was charged with robbery and conspiracy in connection with a bank robbery planned and carried out by the fourteen year old twin daughters. The Jones were facing medical and financial problems, including a home foreclosure so the twins decided to do something about it. They planned to rob a bank. Their mother discovered the plan, but instead of trying to talk the girls out of it, mom became the “wheel man” (or perhaps, “wheel-mom“). After robbing the bank with a toy gun, the entire family took the $3,050 and drove to Atlantic City where the girls hung out on the Boardwalk while the parents gambled. Three days later a SWAT team burst into the family home at dinnertime and arrested the Jones’ gang. Kevin Jones explained his wife’s involvement by saying, “It was the children that thought this up, not Kathleen. She woke up one morning and caught them stealing my car to do a robbery. She decided to drive the car to make sure her kids were safe and that whatever happened to them would happen to her.”

The love of money not only sucks the milk of human kindness out of people but often their common sense as well. Dumb ideas about money can lead a husband to put his family on an internet auction block or put a wife behind the wheel of a get-away car.

In these tough economic times there is no denying that family financial needs are great and many have to pinch pennies and make them squeal. But when money is tight, couples must keep their head about them and live a life of frugality and wisdom. No chasing the elusive quick buck. No compromise on values. No turning your head to wrongdoing. Money makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master.

Controlling spending habits and cultivating saving habits are slow, but proven ways of dealing with runaway finances. Want to argue less about money? Think carefully about your financial situation. Where does our money go? How can we get a handle on our spending? Then make the difficult decisions and take the actions necessary to tame the money monster in your home.

Don't know where to start?

You might also want to consider attending Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" scheduled for February 19 at the Oklahoma City Cox Convention Center. Many couples have received real, practical help with their finances from Ramsey. For more information visit daveramsey.com.

Or find a class -
Navigating the Financial Roadway: Finding God’s Plan for Living Well
Financial Peace

Thought for the week: “Money is not the root of all evil, but the love of money is.”

By Jim Priest

Avoiding Unfaithfulness

2011-01-10T10:01:00.000-06:00

When Sandra Bullock won an academy award for her role in the movie The Blind Side her husband, Jesse James, was smiling at her side. Unfortunately, James had already blindsided Bullock by having an affair with another woman and it wasn't long before news leaked out and Bullock sought a divorce. The Bullock/James split reminded all of us that unfaithfulness can crash anyone's world, even the rich and famous, and certainly yours and mine.

Some people think unfaithfulness means physical adultery, and that certainly is one kind of unfaithfulness. But unfaithfulness starts in the mind long before it acts in the body. Jesus said, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” and the same is true for women. The book of James says it even more to the point: “Each one of us is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own (mental) lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death.” In the context of marriage we might rephrase the passage this way: “Each of us is tempted to be unfaithful when we let our minds wander into dangerous territory. And when we let those wandering thoughts linger, they give birth to the desire to act on them, and that’s when sin results and the death of our marriage often follows.”

How do we avoid unfaithfulness in our marriage? The same way we keep crab grass from growing in our lawn—root out the problem at the very beginning, before it grows out of control. Here’s what that means in practical terms:

We don’t spend time alone or confide with a member of the opposite sex—something that lowers inhibitions and opens the door to greater intimacy. This is especially dangerous and true in the era of Facebook. According to a recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, twenty percent of divorces involve Facebook and 80 percent of divorce lawyers have reported a spike in the number of cases that use social media for evidence.
We don’t let our minds dwell on things that are suggestive, pornographic or fantasy romance. This includes websites, magazines, romance novels or movies and television. Instead, We look for ways to spice up the romance in our own marriages. If the fire has gone out in your romance fireplace, make it your goal to stoke the embers back into a flame. Feelings follow actions. Act romantic and, (believe it or not) after awhile, you’ll feel romantic.
We don’t let emotions rule our actions. When we feel the tug of temptation with a member of the opposite sex we follow the advice of the Apostle Paul and “flee youthful lusts.” This applies even when we’re not so youthful! One of my favorite expressions is "You have to act better than you feel." If we just acted the way we felt and let emotions rule our behavior, people would be shooting each other on the interstate every day. Bring your behavior in line with the faithfulness commitment you made in your marriage vow.

None of these are “easy” tasks—but few important things in life come easily. We have the mistaken notion that love should just naturally flow out of our pores, but it doesn’t work that way. We sometimes “feel” loving, but more often we must “choose” to be loving. Choose today to be faithful to your spouse and to act in a loving way.

By Jim Priest

Watering Your Partner

2011-01-03T09:08:00.000-06:00

I'm guilty of second degree murder. I have, without pre-meditation (actually with NO meditation), killed many green plants. I either over water them or forget to water them. As a result, they suffer root rot or dehydration. I've learned from 33 years of marriage that communication in marriage is like watering plants. Both too much and too little can kill a relationship.

In marriage preparation classes that I have led for engaged couples I take a survey in which one of the "Agree/Disagree" statement is: “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with me.” Every woman has answered this question “Agree” and nearly every man has answered this question “Disagree”. In three years of administering the survey I can’t remember anyone marking “Undecided.” Apparently most women desire their men to talk more while most men have all the communication they want.

Why is this? I think Dave Barry was on to something when he wrote:

What women want:

Words of expressive love
Meaningful conversation
Physical affection
A growing sense of intimacy

What men want:

Tickets to the Super Bowl

It’s not quite that stark, but it’s not far from the truth. Women seem to be more motivated than men to seek and grow relationships. They desire friendships and are willing to work at them. They long for connection with their spouse and will invest heavily to achieve that. Men want companionship too, but more often than not it’s companionship while doing something else: playing tennis, working on a project, going to the Super Bowl. Although there are exceptions, of course, women tend to be more relationship oriented while men tend to be more accomplishment oriented. It’s not sexist to say so, it’s just fact.

Which leads us back to the question why do women always answer “agree” and men always answer “disagree” when asked "Do you wish your partner were more willing to share his/her feelings with you?"

Part of this mystery is wrapped up in the reality that women share their feelings more often and easily than men. Most of the engaged women who take the survey say “I just want to know what’s going on inside him!“ To which most of the men reply “Nothing’s going on.“ Women cannot believe this is true but I tell you, ladies, from personal experience, it really is. Often guys are not thinking about anything in particular (except maybe the Super Bowl). It’s not that we’re hiding our feelings or thoughts from you--we just don't spent much time dwelling on them. It’s not that we’re insensitive slobs (okay, it’s not just that we are insensitive slobs!) our brain is simply not keyed into seeking out or giving relationship information like yours.

So what’s the practical application of this revelation? Women: don’t get overly frustrated with your man if he doesn’t share his inner feelings. Chances are, he may not have any at that moment. Remember while you seek and want to share this kind of information, your man probably does not. Be careful you don’t “drown” your man with too much “feeling talk”. Overdoing it is like over-watering a plant. Avoid root rot in your relationship.

Men: like it or not, you’re going to have to open up! You may actually have to think about what you’re feeling and articulate it in out-loud, verbal expressions rather than your usual grunts and shrugs. Think of words as water for your relationship with your woman; without verbalizing your thoughts and feelings, the relationship will dry up and shrivel like a neglected plant. You’re going to have to talk a little bit more and share your thoughts and feelings with your woman. That’s one aspect of the give and take in a male/female relationship.

Willingness to share feelings is like water to a plant. Too much will drown it. Too little will dehydrate it. Just the right amount of watering will make the plant thrive and your relationship will too.

Author: Jim Priest

Mike McManus Responds to TIME Cover Story

2010-12-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

Who Needs Marriage? Everyone. By Mike McManus

TIME’s Nov. 29, 2010, cover story, left, asks, "Who Needs Marriage?"

A surprising 39% of Americans say that marriage is becoming “obsolete,” according to a poll by TIME and Pew Research Center. Two-thirds of cohabiting couples agreed, as well as 42% of conservatives, who are alarmed by the trend, and 44% of Americans under age 30.

“It is no small thing when nearly four-in-ten Americans agree that the world’s most enduring social institution is becoming obsolete,” said Pew. However, “becoming obsolete” is not the same as “obsolete.” When the World Values Survey framed a similar question in 2006: “Marriage is an outdated institution -- agree or disagree?” -- just 13% of Americans agreed.

In fact, only 5% of adults under 30 do NOT want to get married. That’s evidence that, despite the opinion of many, marriage is not becoming obsolete. In fact, even two-thirds of cohabiting people want to marry. But after five years only 16% had done so, and only 20% of the couples were still living together, according to a Princeton/Columbia “Fragile Families” study.

What’s disturbing about this is that 41% of all births are to unwed parents -- eight times the 5% of 1960. Half of unwed births are to those who are cohabiting. This is in spite of statistics showing that two-thirds of Americans think the trend of single women having children is “bad for society,” and that 61% believe a child needs both a mother and father “to grow up happily.”

The fact remains that only half of all adults are married today vs. 72% in 1960.

And of all the transformations our family structures have undergone in the past 50 years, perhaps the most profound is the marriage differential that has opened between the rich and the poor. In 1960 the median household income of married adults was 12% higher than that of single adults, after adjusting for household size. By 2008 this gap had grown to 41%. In other words, the richer and more educated you are, the more likely you are to marry, or to be married -- or, conversely, if you're married, you're more likely to be well off.

As the aforementioned passage in TIME Magazine asserts, a particularly disturbing trend is how marriage seems to be disappearing for those with less education. While 64% of college grads are married, only 48% of those with a high school education now marry. In 1960 both groups were equally likely to marry: 72% of high school vs. 76% of college grads. Reasonably well-paying manufacturing jobs that high schoolers could get, for instance, have largely disappeared. “The college-educated wait until they're finished with their education and their careers are launched,” says TIME. “The less-educated wait until they feel comfortable financially."

The problem is, for more and more adults, arriving at that financial comfort level has become far more elusive.
In 1960 two-thirds of those in their 20s were already married. But in 2008 only 26% were married. Why? A partial answer is that the average age of marriage has risen three years to 28 for men and 26 for women. Dr. W. Bradford Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project says the sexual revolution is another key factor. “People have access to sex outside of marriage, and are less likely to have a commitment orientation.”

Yet why are so many are cohabiting, rather than marrying?

“Today’s couples in their twenties and thirties distrust marriage,” my wife and I write in our book, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers. Since 1970, 43 million people have experienced their parent’s divorce. “The Buster Generation, children of Baby Boomers, have lived the horrors of divorce and are wary of marriage for a good reason.”

It should come as no surprise, then, that of 7.5 million cohabiting this year only 1.4 million will marry, while 80% will ultimately break up.

TIME asserts that “couples who cohabit before marrying don’t divorce any less often.” Not true. A Penn State study by Paul Amato [consultant to Oklahoma Marriage Initiative] reports such couples are 61% more likely to divorce than those who remained apart prior to marriage.

“The way America marries is making the American Dream unreachable for many of its people,” lamented TIME. “Yet marriage is still the best avenue most people have for making their dreams come true.” However, neither TIME nor Pew provides evidence to support the institution.

Ten years ago Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite wrote The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially. It cited hundreds of studies with evidence.

For example, they report that when a Gallup Poll asked couples to grade their marriage, 68% gave it an A; 23% a B. True, 6% gave it a C, and 1% a D, 1%, F. “Nor do unhappy marriages stay that way: 86% of those who rated their marriage as unhappy in the late eighties and who were still married five years later, said their marriage had become happier,” they reveal.

“Married couples live longer,” they write. “Being unmarried chops almost ten years off a man’s life.” Similarly, unmarried women will live fewer years than married women with cancer or those living in poverty.
“Married couples are wealthier... Married men earn between 10 and 40 percent more than do single men with similar education and job histories.”
“Married people have more and better sex than singles,” they assert. Two-fifths of married couples, in fact, enjoy marital intimacy at least twice a week compared to 20%-25% of singles.

Who needs marriage? Everyone.

“The Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:15).

Copyright © 2010 Michael J. McManus

LIVING STONES

2010-09-15T11:26:00.000-05:00

If the marriages of Christians are to be so joyous and fruitful that the world wants to know why are we different, what will they look like? We will have to discard the patterns we have seen in the movies and on television. We will have to seek and entirely new concept and use that as a new blueprint.

Our Author and Finisher must have more in mind for us that what we have seen in recent years when the statistics for marriage in the church is very close to those of the world. Let us find His plan and follow it closely.

The Apostle Peter describes our Lord as a “Living Stone” and also says that we, too, are “living stones” being built into His temple of worship. (I Peter 2). If we are going to build healthy and joy-filled marriages, what are we using as building material?

A living stone looks like a great jewel, pulsating with color and light from its many facets. Some of the facets are honor, humility, joy, patience, forgiveness, and faithfulness. Are we building our homes with these?

If we will become a “house not made with hands”, a marriage and home that glorifies the Lord, then we must build His way as He instructs us, day by day.

- Carol Gordon

Marriage Makes Sense for the Sake of Kids

2010-08-29T18:42:00.000-05:00

The average American knows we have some problems with children succeeding in school. But why? We keep throwing money at the problem but don't deal with the root issues. If we really want to have a country where every kid has a chance, we have to do something differently.

George Will wrote an article published today, "For black children, daunting divides in achievement and family life". The outlook for children of African-American mothers start life with challenging odds.

Will explains that "Only 35 percent of black children live with two parents, which partly explains why, while only 24 percent of white eighth-graders watch four or more hours of television on an average day, 59 percent of their black peers do."

When looking for the root issues, the Educational Testing Service, produced a report about "The Black-White Achievement Gap: When Progress Stopped," written by Paul E. Barton and Richard J. Coley.

Will quotes from their report, "So, two final numbers: Two decades, five factors. Two decades have passed since Barton wrote 'America's Smallest School: The Family.' He has estimated that about 90 percent of the difference in schools' proficiencies can be explained by five factors: the number of days students are absent from school, the number of hours students spend watching television, the number of pages read for homework, the quantity and quality of reading material in the students' homes -- and, much the most important, the presence of two parents in the home. Public policies can have little purchase on these five, and least of all on the fifth."

Having parents who are married and stay married make a world of difference to kids. We will never be able to change their opportunity for achievement until we admit that marriage matters to our culture and our children. When our culture endorses marriage as an important component for a child's life, we will continue to throw unproductive money at a tragic problem.

Many marriage strengthening programs are available. Check these websites for options:
Marriage Network Oklahoma
Oklahoma Marriage Initiative
Association of Marriage and Family Ministry
Smart Marriages

The Facts on Stepfamilies in Oklahoma

2010-04-18T23:54:00.001-05:00

Did you know:

Oklahoma is tied with Arkansas with the highest rate of women who have been married three times or more (10% compared to national average of 5%); Oklahoma is second to Arkansas with the highest rate of men who have been married three times or more (9% compared to national average of 5%) [Pew Research, October 2009]
Currently, 1 out of 3 Americans is a stepchild, stepparent, or in some other way part of a stepfamily.
While the overall divorce rate in America is between 45-50%, the remarriage divorce rate (when at least one partner has been married before) has been reported to be 60%.
“Simple stepfamilies” (where only one partner brought a child or children to the new marriage) divorced at a rate of 65%; when both partners had children from previous relationships (“complex stepfamilies”) the divorce rate was slightly more than 70%.
According to George Barna, 32% of born-again Christians have experienced divorce (33% in U.S. general population). Most of these people remarry (75%) and many have experienced divorce a second time (23%).
46% of all weddings in the US today are remarriages for at least one partner. Most of these marriages include children from previous relationships (see the next statistic).
Approximately 30% of all weddings in the US give birth to a stepfamily (i.e., are stepcouple weddings), and now we know that without intervention around 60-70% will end in legal divorce.
For children, the legal divorce is only the beginning of the distinctive, lifelong experience of growing up in a post-divorce family. Therefore, clergy must be aware of the needs of young people not just at the time of their parents' separation and divorce but throughout the life cycle.
30% of all children today are born out-of-wedlock; 41% of [those] babies are born to cohabiting couples.” The first marriage for these single parents will create a stepfamily home.

Attend the Building a Successful Stepfamily conference, May 14-15, for anwers on how to strengthen your present of future family. See http://www.marriagenetworkok.net/ for more info of call 405.792.2586.

HOW AM I DOING?

2010-03-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

It is a great help as we drive our cars to be able to tell how fast we are going, how far we have gone on our trip, and how much gasoline is still in our tanks. The gauges that register this information are a very great help to us.

The Lord gives us gauges in His Word that help us measure where we are in our walk as Christians. Several are very helpful with our marriages and other relationships.

One of my favorites is the list of “Fruits of the Spirit” in Galatians 5:22-23. “The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.”(NLT) I noticed that this group can be divided into three sets of three.

We can use the first three “love, joy, and peace,” as a thermostat of our relationship with the Lord. If we are at rest in Him, we will continually experience these in our lives. If love seems distant, it is because we are not drawing from His storehouse in our hearts. When we focus on Him, our joy level will be high. Philippians 4 lets us know that when our joy is running over, His peace will surround us as well. He tells us in the Gospel of John that these are His gifts to us.

The second three, “patience, kindness, and goodness” help us measure our interactions with other people. The spirit strong in us will develop these gifts so that we can be patient when our flesh would want to be agitated. His life working in us will enable us to always speak and act kindly to our spouse and everyone else. Our motive will be to be good to everyone, just as our Father is good to us.

The final three, “faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”, make us aware of His hand on the reins of our souls. We are required to discipline ourselves by the standard of the Word. This grid is perfect for that. “Am I faithful? Am I being gentle in word and deed? Am I disciplining myself to represent Jesus?” If we measure ourselves by these questions, we will become more and more ruled by His Spirit.

By Carol Gordon, Heartmenders International

Is It or Isn't It?

2010-03-03T12:28:00.000-06:00

[we are republishing an email from Scott Stanley to the SmartMarriages community]

Is premarital cohabitation associated with more risk for divorce (and lower marital quality) or isn't it? Check out these stories in the news and see if you can figure out the answer to that question.

NY Times: Living Together First Doesn¹t Make Marriage Last, Study Finds
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html

USA Today: Report: Cohabiting has little effect on couples' success in marriage
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-03-02-cohabiting02_N.htm

MSNBC: Living together does lead to marriage 2 in 3 who cohabit tie the knot within 5 years, CDC says
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35663243/ns/health-behavior/from/ET

Reuters: Marriages last longer than living together?
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62133E20100302

ABC NEWS: Moving In Together Before Wedding Can Decrease Chances of Having a Lasting Marriage, Study Says CDC Survey Says Cohabitation Isn't Always a Good Thing, Couples Say It's All About Love
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/secrets-marriage-cdc-survey-marriage-cohabitation/story?id=9989134

Are you confused yet? Most of these news reports read like a lot of new evidence just came out that changes everything you might have thought you or social scientists knew about cohabiting prior to marriage. It is instructive to read these articles. In fact, it's fascinating to read the headlines and stories and try, from there, to figure out what the new findings really are in the report that came out from the CDC¹s National Center for Health Statistics, on Tuesday (3/2/10). You would do a lot better to read the actual report, and if you want to do that, the link is further on in this piece.

One news article sounds like the report merely confirms the finding that has been well understood for years‹that cohabiting prior to marriage is associated with greater risks for divorce. Another artilce sounds like the risk is no longer there. Gone. Poof. We've grown out of it as a society.

Another is pretty nuanced, suggesting both the "it's still here" and "it's gone for good" messages are true.

My colleagues, Galena Rhoades, Howard Markman, and I found this all pretty interesting. It¹s especially fascinating to compare the NYT piece with the MSNBC piece, if you want to see how far apart the (mis)understandings. Were they reading the same report? Since it mentions our work, we¹re partial to the USA Today piece. That piece also, at least to me, comes closest to telling the more complex story. I believe that USA Today will have an even more detailed piece out on this CDC report, today.
(http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-03-02-cohabiting02_N.htm

So what do we really know, as social scientists? I mean "we" as the field. I (Scott) would sum it up this way. There is a lot of evidence over many decades by many researchers that living together prior to marriage is associated with greater risks for divorce or lower quality marriages. One of the really interesting debates in the field is if this association with risk
will go away as the majority of people live together prior to marriage. Since some scholars have long felt that the stigma of cohabitation contributed in a large way to the risk, they felt that the risk would diminish as the stigma diminished. That's a reasonable theory and there is some scattered evidence to support it. The stigma has certainly diminished. This new CDC report could be taken to suggest that the risk is not what it used to be, and so it fits this way of thinking. It's probably safe to say that the risk associated with cohabiting prior to marriage is not as clear as it used to be. But has it gone away, completely? Well, not so fast. Just like some people¹s relationship status on Facebook, it¹s complicated.

As many of you know, we (our lab) have been doing research in this area for some time, and are presently conducting a rather large study on the question (as well as other important questions). One of the major theories we are testing is what we call the inertia perspective. Here's a quick recap of the idea. Cohabitation may be risky for some people because it makes it harder to break up with someone that they otherwise would have broken up with and never married in the first place. (Or, they never would have stayed together long enough to have a child; a variable that fits all the same logic.) Yes, cohabiters break up all the time. In fact, they break up much more often than people who are married. That is not exactly a news flash. But cohabiters break up much less often than people who are dating. A lot of the time, that's just because cohabiters are more likely to be more deeply involved (entangled). The idea of inertia is that cohabitation makes it harder to break up in comparison to dating without cohabiting. Inertia suggests that some people actually marry someone they would not have married had they not been cohabiting.

This idea of inertia also suggests that, among those who eventually marry, those who were already engaged or mutually planning marriage, when they began to cohabit, will be at lower risk for marital difficulties than those who cohabited before nailing down that big question. It's the latter group that would contain the people adversely affected by inertia. If two people already mutually agree on marriage before cohabiting, it¹s not very likely cohabitation will be a factor in them getting married. Inertia is not their issue. There may be other factors that matter for such a couple, like what their beliefs and values are about cohabitation, but inertia is not part of equation for them.

Back to the CDC report. What got a lot less attention on Tuesday is the fact that the researchers also found exactly what we have been predicting, testing, and publishing for some years now based on the concept of inertia. They found that those who cohabited prior to engagement were at greater risk for divorce but those cohabiting after engagement were at no greater risk than those who didn¹t cohabit at all before marriage.

As Galena Rhoades and I presented in our July plenary at the Smart Marriages conference, the premarital cohabitation effect is really a pre-engagement (or pre-marriage-planning) cohabitation effect. As a side point, it's actually possible that the premarital cohabitation risk as always, mostly, been a pre-engagement cohabitation risk but we just didn¹t know it before now. There are only a handful of data sets in existence where the key questions about the timing of plans for marriage and cohabitation are asked - most of them are the ones we've been working with. The data set used for the CDC report is the only other one we know about that asks the critical question (The National Survey of Family Growth). And, by the way, the critical question is not if a couple has plans for marriage but if they had plans for marriage when they began to cohabit. Did the plans exist before it got harder to break up?

We have published numerous studies using different data sets showing the pre-engagement cohabitation effect, and there is another publication on the way later this year. In fact, in every data set we know of where you can examine how cohabitation prior to engagement relates to marital outcomes, we have found the pre-engagement cohabitation effect. (So I can quit saying it every time, please note that I¹m using the term "pre-engagement cohabitation effect" interchangeably with the more important idea of whether or not there are mutual plans to marry when couples start to cohabit.) We also knew this finding was in the data set used in the CDC because of a one line comment about it in a report some time ago, but no one had actually presented it clearly as a finding before Tuesday.

Here's what the CDC report says about it:
Previous cohabitation experience was significantly associated with marriage survival probabilities for men. In general, men who cohabited prior to their first marriage had lower probabilities of the marriage surviving to the 10th anniversary than those who did not cohabit prior to their first marriage. However, those men who were engaged at the time of cohabitation with their soon-to-be first wife had similar probabilities that their marriage would last 10 years as did those who did not cohabit prior to marriage: 71% for men who were engaged at cohabitation and 69% for men who had never cohabited before their first marriage.

If the couple were engaged when they began cohabiting, the probability that a woman's marriage would survive for 10 years was similar (65%) to the probability for couples who did not cohabit at all (66%). In contrast, the probability that the marriage would survive 10 years or more was lower if the couple were not engaged when they began cohabiting (55%). http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_028.pdf

Importantly, we have found that cohabiting prior to engagement is associated with lower quality marriages and divorce, even among those married relatively recently. For example, we found the difference in terms of marital quality in a national sample of those married 10 years or less as of 2007. That's recent. In fact, those marriages are more recent than the marriages studied in the CDC report. We also found the risk for lower marital quality and higher risk for divorce in two other samples of those married in the 1990's, which I believe is as recent as the data used in the CDC report. We have consistently found this result even while controlling for a large number of potential "selection" variables. Selection variables are pre-existing differences between people that explain a risk that appears to be related to one thing (like cohabitation) but it¹s really simply because of the selection variables. For example, those who are more traditionally religious are less likely to cohabit, especially prior to engagement, and they are also less likely to divorce. Those who have lower incomes or who are less educated are more likely to cohabit, and also more likely to cohabit prior to having plans for marriage, and they are also more likely to divorce. Selection can never be completely ruled out, but the more a finding continues to exist while controlling for loads of selection variables, the less reasonable it is to say selection explains it. Selection is at least part of the story of how cohabitation prior to marriage (or at least, engagement) is related to marital outcomes. Yet, we have been unable to explain away all of the risk of divorce and/or lower marital quality associated with pre-engagement cohabitation by controlling for a large number of selection variables. It's important to keep all of this in perspective. There are many risk factors for marital distress and divorce, and living together prior to engagement (or having mutual plans for marriage) is one among many. An even greater risk factor for divorce is having a lower level of education; not finishing high school is a whopping risk factor for divorce. As is poverty. As is marrying young. As is having divorced parents. As is not being able to handle conflict well. As is . . ., well you get the idea. But the most important thing about risk factors is that some are more changeable than others. If it turns out that cohabiting prior to having clear plans for marriage really adds to a person's risk for marriage turning out less well‹and in a way that appears truly causal‹it¹s not rocket science to think a person could learn not to do that, and thereby, lower their risks for marital unhappiness.

Why does this issue of cohabitation always get so much attention? There are at least three reasons.

First, it's something that is connected to values for people, so debates about cohabitation are not just about cohabitation, they are also about religious beliefs and other values. Those are important issues, but my observations here are focused only on the science.

Second, younger people tend to believe that cohabitation lowers their risks in
marriage, so reports that it's not associated with benefits, or even associated with risk, have gotten a lot of attention. People are interested in this.

Third, cohabitation is important societally because it's increasingly the context for childbearing and rearing, and cohabiting relationships are much more fragile than marriages. That makes it an important subject in our national discourse.

With funding from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), we (our team at DU) are following a large sample of young adults in serious, romantic relationships in order to try to better understand who may be at greater and lesser risk, and why. We are measuring various pathways people follow before marriage and into marriage. The clearest picture of how all of these things relate to marital quality can only come from following people through the various possible transitions before marriage and then into marriage, while measuring a great many variables. That¹s what we continue to do, and we will have more to talk about in the future.

Scott Stanley
Research Professor
University of Denver

[see Scott's blog at http://slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com/ ]

Please Vote for Us in Free Web-Site Design Contest

2010-02-26T10:22:00.000-06:00

The deadline for you to vote for Marriage Network Oklahoma to help us win a great, new, free Website design from Element Fusion is tomorrow, Feb. 27th. We respectfully ask you to please vote ASAP today or Saturday! Click this link.

McCullough: Lawmakers Must Face Divorce Issue

2010-02-23T16:06:00.000-06:00

State Rep. Mark McCullough (R-Sapulpa) released the following statement (unedited):

As lawmakers deal with the budget shortfall, they must also face the issue of family fragmentation, state Rep. Mark McCullough said today.

“Clearly, legislation alone will not solve the problem of divorce and family fragmentation, but we cannot afford to ignore the issue as it drains hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars,” said McCullough, R-Sapulpa.

House Bill 2634, by McCullough, would require two hours of pre-marital counseling before the issuance of a marriage license and provide a $45 dollar discount on a marriage license for couples getting more than eight hours of pre-marital counseling. The measure also allows for a “covenant marriage” license and requires court directed pre-divorce education classes for couples with children.

McCullough noted the counseling and divorce education provisions are already in state law, but are permissive and currently do not require participation.

House Bill 2634 was approved by the House Judiciary Committee this week on a 6-5 vote.

However, a similar measure was defeated on the House floor on Monday. House Bill 2543, by state Rep. John Wright (R-Broken Arrow), would have required couples to go through one hour of divorce counseling before they can file for divorce. The measure was defeated 37-57.

“Some are hesitant to support this legislation because of concerns about government becoming involved in this issue,” McCullough said. “Unfortunately, the state is already involved – big time. State government spends more than $400 million every year on the fallout of divorce.”

A recent study, “The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing” conservatively estimates divorce has a dramatic impact on the cost of state government (largely through public assistance programs) – up to $430 million annually in Oklahoma.

“The bills Representative Wright and I filed each have a simple theme: reasonable, rational, and quite frankly, pretty mild proposals to encourage people to be deliberative about the marriage and divorce process,” McCullough said. “These are two simple proposals that could help Oklahomans that have no real downside.”

A third measure, House Bill 2279, by state Rep. Sally Kern (R-Oklahoma City), would have slowed the divorce process for couples with young children where just one spouse seeks a “no fault” divorce. That bill was defeated 3-7 in the House Judiciary Committee.

“Representative Kern knew it was controversial to challenge no fault divorce, but her perception is that the consequence of no fault – 40 years on – has been nothing less than catastrophic to the institution of marriage,” McCullough said. “Why not challenge the axiom of no fault’s supremacy?”

McCullough noted that research shows children from broken homes are 12 times more likely to be incarcerated, seven times more likely to live in poverty and three times more likely to be expelled and receive lower grades. They also are more susceptible to substance abuse and mental health disorders.

“Government will not solve this problem but government is already heavily involved,” McCullough said. “We cannot pretend the state does not have role in the increasingly clear problem of family fragmentation.”

Focus on Marriage Nationwide Simulcast is THIS Saturday, Feb. 27

2010-02-23T13:52:00.001-06:00

The international family-strengthening ministry, Focus on the Family, will simulcast their 2010 marriage conference, Focus on Marriage, to locations nationwide this Saturday, Feb. 27.

Among the scheduled speakers will be Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage; actor Kirk Cameron and wife, Chelsea; Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, of RealRelationships.com; Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages; Francis Chan; and Stephen Kendrick, producer of the 2008 movie, Fireproof.

In Oklahoma, the simulcast will be broadcast live from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. The price to attend is $35 per person.

Locations to view the simulcast include churches in Bristow, Choctaw (Bethel Ministries), Edmond (First Presbyterian Church), Enid (Oakwood), and Hydro.

For more information and to register, visit FocusonMarriage.com

HB 2543 Fails in State House Vote

2010-02-23T09:18:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, HB 2543 failed to win approval in the state House of Representatives.

The bill, authored by Rep. John Wright (R-Broken Arrow), would have required couples contemplating a divorce to obtain one (1) hour of counseling before a petition for divorce could be filed.

The House vote was 37 for, 57 against, and 7 members were excused. More Republicans voted for the bill than Democrats, but the vote was bipartisan, with some Republicans voting against the bill.

Here is how your representative voted:

YEAS: 37

Armes          Hickman          Moore          Tibbs
Christian     Jackson            Murphey        Trebilcock
Coody         Johnson           Nelson           Watson
Dank            Jones               Peterson       Wesselhoft
Derby          Kern                 Ritze              Wright, H.
DeWitt        Liebmann         Russ              Wright, J.
Duncan       Martin, Sc        Shannon         Mr. Speaker
Enns            McCullough     Steele
Faught        McDaniel,        R. Terrill
Hamilton     McNiel            Thompson

NAYS: 57

Auffet          Glenn              McAffrey          Rousselot
Bailey           Hilliard            McDaniel, J.     Sanders
Banz             Holland           McPeak             Schwartz
Billy              Hoskin             Morgan            Scott
Brannon       Inman              Morrissette       Shelton
Brown           Jett                  Ortega             Sherrer
Buck             Jordan             Osborn             Shoemake
Cannaday     Joyner              Ownbey             Shumate
Carey            Key                  Peters               Smithson
Collins          Kiesel               Pittman            Sullivan
Cooksey       Kirby                Proctor              Thomsen
Cox              Kouplen            Pruett                Williams
Denney         Lamons           Renegar
Dorman         Luttrell            Richardson
Fields            Martin,            St. Roan

EXCUSED: 7

Blackwell       Miller              Reynolds           Walker
Harrison         Nations          Sears

Help Strengthen Marriages By Helping MNO Win a New Web-Site!!

2010-02-16T11:27:00.001-06:00

Will you help us?

You can help strengthen marriages in the Sooner State by taking an extra minute to click on the following link: http://www.elementfusion.com/2010-giveaway-one-finalists

Marriage Network Oklahoma, with whom OFPC partners for marriage ministry, is a finalist (hooray!) in the offer by OKC Website Design company Element Fusion to generously donate a free Web-site design to one of three finalists. The general public votes, beginning today through Feb. 27, to determine what nonprofit organization wins the free new Web-site. The winner will be announced on March 1.

As you may know, Marriage Network Oklahoma's vision is to work with Oklahoma's thousands of churches to help them to develop comprehensive marriage ministries within their congregations. In Oklahoma, 76% of couples get married in a church, but after the wedding, many churches do little or nothing to help married couples actually foster and and grow the marriage to which they've committed. MNO is working to change that one church at a time.

Imagine what could happen to this state (and for the cause of Christ) if many thousands of Oklahoma's marriages were strong, healthy, and holy pictures of the love Christ has for His bride, the Church? No divorces isn't our goal -- it's thriving marriages for the benefit of husbands, wives, children, and our society that is MNO's goal. But, it's not going to happen unless Oklahoma's churches are a BIG part of the solution. And actively helping Oklahoma's churches to realize this goal is what Marriage Network Oklahoma is all about.

MNO really needs and desires a great, new Web-site to tell our story, and YOU can be a crucial link in helping us to meet this need. Please click on the Element Fusion link and vote for Marriage Network Oklahoma before Feb. 27.

Click on the following link: http://www.elementfusion.com/2010-giveaway-one-finalists

Also, forward the above link with a short note of explanation and invitation to all your friends and colleagues, too. Many thanks for voting for Marriage Network Oklahoma!

David Dunn
Oklahoma Family Policy Council
Executive Board, Marriage Network Oklahoma

What's More Important . . . the Wedding or the Marriage?

2010-02-10T12:26:00.001-06:00

This week, through Sunday, it's National Marriage Week USA (did you know that?). So, amid all your scurrying around in planning for a romantic Valentine's Day, allocate some of that scurrying around time for your marriage, too.

Here's a great article in USA Today, today (as the late broadcaster Paul Harvey used to say).

All parents know that girls dream of the grand wedding and all the associated expenses, but the Feb. 10 USA Today article says newly married couples should be sure to prioritize in the family budget some money for dates nights, trips away, etc. Remember, it's the Marriage, not the Wedding, which is most important to a couple's long-term success in lasting love.

To view the article, click here.

David Dunn
Oklahoma Family Policy Council
Board, Marriage Network Oklahoma

One Day is Not Enough

2010-02-01T15:40:00.000-06:00

I'm not very good with numbers. That's why I went to law school. They told me there wouldn't be any math. But accountants know about numbers and when my accountant, Mike, talks numbers, I listen carefully.

Mike recently told me, "One is not enough. You need fourteen."
"Fourteen what?" I asked numbly, assuming he was referring to something like fourteen tax exemptions.

"Days", replied Mike. "One day is not enough to tell someone you love them. You need the fourteen days of Valentine."

I had heard of the twelve days of Christmas, but never the fourteen days of Valentine. I was intrigued and asked my CPA to itemize his deductions about Valentine's Day.

"People tend to rush through Valentine's Day," Mike explained. "They give a card or buy a box of candy, and it's over. That's why my wife and I started doing the fourteen days of Valentine. We buy small gifts or cards for each other and start giving them on February 1. That way, when Valentine's Day rolls around, we've had two weeks of hearing about our love for each other."

Mike said he really enjoys the reaction of store clerks when he explains why he's buying early Valentine's Day presents. The clerks think the idea is great and vow to do it for their loved one.

I have to admit, Mike has set a high standard for the rest of us. Most men think about Valentine's Day somewhere around 4:30 p.m. on February 13. We scramble around at the last minute trying to find red lingerie and a picked over greeting card. What if westarted a little Valentine's revolution and implemented Mike's fourteen day idea? What might happen?

***We might improve the economy by starting a new retail boomlet in late January. The fourteen day gift giving tradition could ignite a mini buying frenzy comparable to the one occurring just after Thanksgiving.

***We might find something to occupy our thoughts and conversations other than endless playoff games in the National Football League.

***Our loved ones might get the message that we care about them and that we didn't just buy something on February 14 out of a sense of obligation.

Here are some ideas that might work for your fourteen days of Valentine:
(1) Give words of affirmation. Each day from February 1 through the 14th give your loved one a note that tells one thing you like about him or her.
(2) Give one flower each day for the fourteen days. Attach a note with a complimentary word that describes your loved one.
(3) Give gifts with a theme for fourteen days. One man gave his wife a bracelet that said "Always" on it. In the days that followed he rented the movie "Always", gave her the song "Always and forever", sent her balloons with the word "Always" on them and bought her a desk plaque that read "Always". After fourteen days she got the message!
Mike is right. One day is not enough. This year, let's celebrate Valentine's Day for two weeks.

By Jim Priest

CHALLENGING DISAPPOINTMENTS

2010-01-29T18:01:00.000-06:00

A good marriage requires a healthy measure of trust to prosper. However, life inevitably brings disappointments, large and small. Not all our dreams and expectations come true. Often, one spouse or the other feels let down or deeply disappointed. Sometimes both husband and wife experience unfulfilled expectations. Priorities shift as career and children require our attention.

Healthy couples keep feelings talked about and resolved. Not every couple is skilled at this kind of communication, however. One problem is that we don’t really recognize the serious impact disappointment can have. It is like a dart that penetrates the heart, and sinks deep, unseen. If it is not removed, it festers like a splinter. The infection begins to gradually affect everything about the relationship.

Doubt about the spouse’s motives become easy to entertain. Trust erodes unseen like soil disappearing into a stream. The one entertaining disappointment, often without recognizing it, begins to add up slights and build walls. Soon resentment is sending to poison into every area of the marriage, and possibly shared with children and coworkers. The roots and tendrils of bitterness are growing rapidly and coming out in the tones of conversation. This shows a heart has been allowed to hardened and close to love.

This is why the Scripture instruct us to keep short accounts. “do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” (Eph 4:26b NKJV). In fact, the whole book of Ephesians is rich with wisdom for relationships. We have to be clear and open in our communications. We have to be quick to identify issues and just as quick to forgive. If our spouse is hurting then we need to repent, whether we intentionally spoke or acted selfishly or not.

Forgiveness and repentance are tools that ease the friction and pain that build up over time.

The Lord told us in John 10:10, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” We must recognize we have and enemy that works to ruin every marriage and family, because they are dear to Father’s heart. Instead of blaming each other, couples need to work together as a team to defeat his plans.

If we do not deal with hurts quickly, and honestly identify them and get free, they can cause untold harm in the hearts of our families. It is to the enemy’s advantage to stir up disappointment and hurt, so that he can plant mistrust in the hearts of spouses and children. He uses many subtle seeds to start the growth of roots that will spread through generations, if we do not recognize his ploys.

Without the help of the Lord, and deep commitment to Him to love one another, we are at risk of broken hearts and families. We must fight the battle to keep our hearts open and clear of hurt. Marriage is so special to the Lord and we honor Him when we follow His ways of nurturing ours. “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Eph. 5:32-33).

“Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma”. (Eph 5:1)
Carol Gordon

Building a Lasting Marriage

2010-01-06T15:24:00.000-06:00

After my wife and I celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary, some good natured (though not quite true) jokes were generated such as:

"We have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, but never divorce."

"We've been happily married for ten years. We've actually been married for 26 years but ten of them have been happy."

"In all our years of marriage we've never gone to sleep angry with each other. Sometimes we've stayed up without sleep for four days though."

For Diane's part, she has had to field such questions as, "How have you managed to live with this guy that long?" and "How do you put up with him?" She has learned to nod and smile and give all the credit to the mercy of the Lord.

But the most prominent thought Diane and I as we celebrate this anniversary is, "Aren't we fortunate to have a loving relationship that has endured for over twenty five years?" We know some of it is due to perseverance and effort on our part, but we are mindful that our anniversary is also a time to celebrate the many people who have contributed to our marriage.

Both sets of our parents, who themselves have been married for over fifty years. They gave us a blueprint of marriage by their positive role modeling and words of encouragement
Our pastors and friends at church who counseled with us, cried with us and laughed with us through the trials and triumphs of life. They helped frame our house of marriage with the support we needed.
Our children, who added so much joy to our lives but also forced us to think beyond ourselves and our own wants. They decorated our marriage with bright colors inside and out.
The authors of innumerable books we read, speakers at seminars we attended and assorted individuals who contributed wisdom and insight over the years on the subject of marriage in general, and our marriage in particular.
Our Heavenly Father, who patiently reveals His way to us and encourages us, through His word, to remain faithful in our marriage commitment.

It takes more than two to make a marriage thrive. Whether you are in a marriage that is "working" or seems dysfunctional right now, here are three suggestions to help you celebrate many more anniversaries:

Don't be reluctant or afraid to seek outside counseling with persistent marital problems. The insight of a concerned and thoughtful third party can be a refreshing and healthy.
Expand your circle of friends to include couples who are committed to marriage. Spend time with those who will encourage, and not undermine, your marriage commitment.
Increase the amount of time you spend working on your marriage. Dedicate parts of each week to cultivating your marriage relationship.

In a recent national survey, most Americans identified their number one goal as a strong family life. Strengthening your marriage is the best place to start. It will give you cause to celebrate.

"Building a Lasting Marriage" by Jim Priest

A Lesson About Value

2009-12-28T16:44:00.003-06:00

Mark Twain once advised that all children having reached their thirteenth birthday should be put in a wooden barrel, the lid nailed shut, and be fed through a hole in the side. When they turn sixteen plug the hole in the side. There have been days with my teenagers when I have considered heeding that advice, but there are also days when they just surprise me by doing something that is totally awesome.

My youngest son, who is sixteen, just gave his girlfriend a Christmas gift that is totally awesome! No, it was not a brand new Mustang convertible. It was a journal, but not any ordinary journal. He kept every little scrap of remembrance, note, ticket stub, since they began dating even down to a gum wrapper given on some special occasion. He took all these items and placed each one on a page of the journal and then wrote an entry explaining what each of these items meant to him. It took him hours to compile and write this.

A couple of days before he gave it to her, he read parts of it to his mother, and his three sisters. All of them were in absolute awe of what he had done. When he gave it to his girlfriend she was moved to tears by it. If he had given her a new Mustang convertible, it would have paled in comparison to the gift of the journal.

What made this gift so valuable? The gift was valuable because it showed the young lady that she was valuable. I think being valued is at the heart of every woman, especially our wives. Scripture not only teaches the importance of value to our wives, but commands that we, as husbands, give value to our wives. Peter writes, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” 1 Peter 3:7 NKJV (emphasis added).

The word honor means to ascribe a value to something. Peter’s phrase “as to the weaker vessel” is often misunderstood. He is not saying that women are weak and somehow inferior. Let me give you a word picture of what this means. I am an avid coffee drinker. I carry a durable plastic coffee cup in my car that I refill most days at my favorite coffee shop. When I am done with my coffee this cup gets thrown in the back of my car till I need to use it the next time. Occasionally, it even gets washed out! On the other hand, when my mother died last year, she left some beautiful hand-painted porcelain china coffee cups to us. These cups are not designed to be carried in the car and thrown in the back seat. No, they are delicate and beautiful. They are designed to be put where they can be admired and used with care and love. How do you treat your wife? Like a plastic travel mug or a beautiful porcelain cup? Whatever you take care of is valuable to you.

How do you show her she is valuable? There are many different ways. You can express value with words, actions, attitudes, gifts, listening, etc. Be romantically creative! By the way, there is a spiritual benefit when value is exhibited in a marriage. Peter says that our prayers will not be hindered. Value builds on the beautiful “oneness” that God wants us to have in our marriages.

It’s the beginning of a New Year, what a great time to get busy working on expressing value to your spouse. Well, I need to go visit with my sixteen year old son and see if he has some other great creative ideas. Besides, I think it’s time to let him out of the barrel!

Dr. Walter Mullican
Sr. Pastor, Portland Ave Baptist Church, OKC
Marriage Network Oklahoma Board
http://www.wmullican.blogspot.com/
http://www.portlandavenue.org/

Walls that Fear Builds

2009-12-28T10:30:00.000-06:00

Walls seem to spring up overnight between people who love each other. Sometimes we need to do some honest detective work to find the root cause.

We always want to think the rift is because of what the other person said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. However, what we have authority over is the issues of our own heart. Most often there is a root of fear. The Lord said, “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isa 41:10 NKJV) All unforgiveness is fear based. It binds us to the past and fouls up our future. We fear being vulnerable to further hurt if we let go of the thoughtless word or deed. This fear makes us self-protect and bind our hurts around us tight.

We live in a fallen world with an active enemy who hates marriage. He sets all kinds of traps, causing us to step back from the intimacy we so desire. Our enemy would like to keep these hidden, so we will not acknowledge our fear and trust our Lord.

Our Savior was the example of trusting vulnerability when He hung on the cross. He trusted His Father to uphold Him in Their righteous cause. We can trust Father to take care of us, and freely forgive. Hurts and offenses come, but we do not have to take them as our own. Let them go, and He will bring grace and mercy into the situation.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim 1:7) His love is greater that any hurt that is sent our way, intentionally or unintentionally. We have a sound mind that can choose to respond from within His grace. And He gives us the power to do it!

Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"

12 Days of Marriage

2009-12-13T22:57:00.001-06:00

12 DAYS before Christmas!!

What are you giving your spouse? Is it a gift that will be forgotten by next year or something that will make your Christmas and marriage memorable?

Some ideas for a Making Marriage Memorable at Christmas:
1. Write a card or Christmas letter to your spouse telling him/her the attributes you love (not what they do, but who they are) - character qualities, talents, God-given gifts.
2. Plan a special time together before Christmas, just the two of you, without kids or friends or other family friends.
3. Go for a walk in an area with lots of Christmas lights (like downtown OKC), stop for a special coffee or hot chocolate drink.
4. Spend some time with your spouse talking about your favorite Christmas memories together as a couple.
5. Start a tradition on Christmas Eve, by yourself or with your children, and talk about the gift of Jesus Christ, and what He has done for you during this past year. Each person can take time to tell what he or she is thankful.
6. Commit not to say anything negative or critical to your spouse from now until Christmas ( a local marriage ministry had a great idea advocating 30 days without negativity in December, try starting with 10 days!)
7. As your family gathers for Christmas celebrations, find something about which to brag on your mate. Tell all of your family something great about him/her.
8. Give your spouse whatever you want the most from him/her - it might be grace or forgiveness or acceptance or a kind word.
9. Show tender affection to your spouse without expecting anything in return.
10. If your spouse is a Christian, share something that God has shown you that He wants you to do to strengthen your marriage.
11. Give your spouse a "to do list" break, don't ask them "to do" anything for you, but ask what you can do for him/her.
12. Be grateful for whatever your spouse gives your for Christmas, even if it is a tie or appliance that you didn't want or don't like.

Great place for each of us to start!

Donna Edwards
Giving Life to Marriages
http://www.livingwellokc.org/

THE GIFT YOU CAN GIVE by Carol Gordon

2009-12-07T11:31:00.001-06:00

Did you know that we are designed to BE a gift at Christmas and all the rest of the year? We are to aim to be a grace gift in every relationship, and if we do not begin at home, it is fake other places. Our marriage is the primary training field to practice the grace of kindness.

One of the problems in living this out is our self-centeredness. We only see others’ behaviors and not our own. We excuse ourselves and blame them when strife rears its head. Taking responsibility for our own contribution to the event, even when we think we are right, is evidence of His grace working in us.

I know that there are times we have all wondered, “Did they know how selfish that sounded”? The better questions are: “Did I speak my heart with mercy and grace toward them? Did I cause their defensive reaction?” The Word is a mirror where we see ourselves reflected. We also see ourselves reflected in the eyes and responses of our spouse and children. If there is a repeated pattern, we can humbly ask for input and ask the Holy Spirit to help us to see ourselves clearly.

In the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), we get some direct help. In this pattern of three threes, the first three describe our relationship with the Lord, the second three our relationships with others, and the third, character traits we should require of ourselves at all times. If we have as our goal, PATIENCE, KINDNESS AND GOODNESS, we will have interactions that are more peaceful in our home.

If we practice patience, we will both speak to and listen to our spouse without pressure, and take time to let him or her choose their response to us. Kindness will prevent our talking down to our beloved, and not take them for granted. If we want good things for them then we will package our interactions in goodness.. The abbreviation for “package” is PKG, and this will help us to remember to keep patience, kindness, and goodness ever active.

BE a gift from Him to your spouse. Package yourself in grace and extend mercy, throughout the Christmas Season, in honor of Him!

“See that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and to everybody. Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually”. (1 Thess 5:15-16 AMP)

Carol Gordon
Co-Founder & Director
Heart Menders Int'l, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
"Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987"

Love, Giving, and Thanksgiving

2009-11-23T10:12:00.012-06:00

These past few weeks I've seen two great examples of Christian marital love in action.

I've got a good friend whose newborn daughter, Anne Marie, was born Oct. 15 with life-threatening medical problems. His little girl was entirely missing one lung and had only 15 percent lung function in the other healthy lung. Because of this, she couldn't even cry! Other problems included a squished heart, hypertension, a hole in her diaphram, and no kidney function. Her serious medical problems prevented her mother from holding her much.

Despite the life-threatening problems, my friend continued to put his trust and faith in God. He led his family and others across the state to pray fervently for his daughter. He was always a strong support to his sweet wife. He cried out to God and was authentic in his pain. He took his family to a church in Dallas and even had his infant daughter baptized. He helped everybody to see that whether his daughter lived or died, God would ultimately receive His glory either through her healing now and continued life and growth on Earth or through her death now and protection and restoration by the Creator Himself for all eternity. His wife followed his lead and encouraged many people with her love and faith.

Despite their wrenching pain as parents, they firmly held onto their pro-life convictions. They were a faithful witness to the many doctors and nurses. My friends sought to do everything possible, even at great personal expense, to give their little girl, Anne Marie, a chance at life as a member of their family. And, before a watching world, they trusted Almighty God with the outcome. In His grace, He generously gave them a peace that passes all understanding.

I've got another friend whose wife just had some emergency surgery a week ago. He's also been a faithful husband. He has stayed by his wife's bedside day and night and met her needs. He has interceded on her behalf at the hospital with the doctors and nurses. My friend has faithfully informed a network of friends about his wife's condition. He has given us all status updates and asked for regular prayers on her behalf, to meet her immediate needs. Like my first friend, he, too, has been a good husband by husbanding his wife well.

Sadly, in the first case, Anne Marie died in Dallas this past Saturday night, just one month and six days after her birth. Still, amid their great grief, my friend in a blog post reminded us all to praise God and to take an eternal perspective: "The LORD has given, the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD," he said, quoting Scripture.

Both my friends have showed great love and given of themselves to meet the emotional and physical needs of their wives, and in the first case, of his newborn child. They kept a positive attitude and directed us all to pray to our Heavenly Father, trusting Him for the best, but choosing to praise Him and to be content whatever the outcome.

This week, Thanksgiving Day gives us all an opportunity to express our thanks to God for those He has placed in our lives. We can be thankful for our husbands, wives, and for our children. We can be thankful for our nieces, nephews, and our extended families. We can be thankful for our measure of good health and for the life and liberty we do enjoy in this nation. We must thank Him for what we do have and we must be an open channel of His love to others.

That's what my two friends have done, and I am so thankful for their fine witness and example. Remember, in whatever situation you find yourself today, look up, seek His powerful help, and train your heart to say: "Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Thankfully,

David Dunn
Oklahoma Family Policy Council
Member, Marriage Network Oklahoma Board

How Can I Bless My Spouse?

2009-11-16T17:11:00.004-06:00

So many marry with the idea that my new spouse will be the answer to all my needs. Before many days pass, sometimes hours, some startling news comes to light. Surprise! My spouse expects me to be everything for him or her!

Then begins the impossible job of living up to unrealistic expectations. Hopes that were never brought to the table before the wedding are now big issues leading to disappointment! And in the meantime, my expectations, (you know, the ones I forgot to mention, or did not know I had) are being left behind in the dust.

Let’s back up and begin again – back to before the wedding. I need to prepare for marriage ahead of time, ideally. I want to be a whole person, in order to join in marriage with another whole person. If I still have big issues that are unseen or unresolved, I will only bring incompleteness to the union. Do the math; ½ x ½ = ¼.

If I am already married and did not bring wholeness to it, I can still find wholeness in Jesus. The Lord is the only One who can be my “Needs-meeter”. He will heal my every empty place, by filling me with Himself. Not only that, He knows my spouse better than I will ever know him/her. He can teach me how to be a blessing in every situation.

First, I can come to Him with my hopes and let Him show me what is a reasonable expectation or request of my spouse, and where I am being selfish or prideful. These are two areas we all come by naturally, from our sin-nature. That is why the Lord is the answer to all the issues in marriage.

My husband used to say, “There are five reasons for divorce: selfishness, selfishness, selfishness, selfishness, and selfishness”. This came from our experience, as we both had PhD’s in selfishness and denial, which he said meant in our case, “piled higher and deeper”.

The Lord alone can fill hearts with the love, humility, and grace that is needed to establish a home filled with joy. He needs to be the One to turn to in moments where strife tries to hold sway. He can teach us how to speak the“truth in love”, day in and day out. Marriage was His idea, and He can teach us to do it His way.

Carol Gordon
Founder
Heart Menders International, Inc.
http://www.heartmenders.org/
“Pioneering Transformational Discipleship since 1987”

INVESTMENTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE

2009-11-02T21:15:00.001-06:00

What investments can you make now in your marriage to receive a long-term pay-off?

1. TIME The first one and maybe the most important one is the time we invest in our marriage. What does that look like?

We highly advocate a daily, weekly, and yearly time investment. Daily: at least 15 minutes each day for eye-to-eye, undivided attention to each other, sharing about your day or something on your heart. For people with small children or for those who have different work/school schedules, even 15 minutes may be a real challenge. But it is vital to the health of the marriage and to the emotional health of each spouse.

Weekly: a “date” night, at least three hours of only the two of you doing something fun together - no friends or family, no heavy discussions, no talk about finances or other problems - the kind of dating you did before you got married.

Yearly: time away from home for at least 3 days without children or friends or other family members. This time doesn’t have to be expensive, but it is a time to be together without interruptions, no work, not being constantly accessible to others.

2. GRATITUDE The importance of communicating gratitude and appreciation to your spouse cannot be emphasized too much.

Showing appreciation to our spouse for who he is in his character is part of gratitude. And thanking your spouse for what she has done for you specifically throughout the day communicates to her that you notice what she does, what she does is important, and that are glad that she does it.

3. EMOTIONS We are all connected emotionally to our marriage whether we recognize it or not. But does everyone invest emotionally into the marriage? What does it mean to invest emotionally?

Emotional investment means that I am willing to be vulnerable emotionally; I am willing to risk hurt. I will take risks in expressing my emotions to my spouse. I will take the time to listen to the heart of the emotions of my spouse, even if it means that it is painful to me.

Emotional investment also means that I try to understand how my words and actions affect my spouse emotionally. Also, I am sensitive to how he/she is feeling.

4. MONEY Many of the previous points contain parts that can cost money (e.g. - a long weekend away). Are you willing to make your marriage a priority financially?

THE RETURN

What are the potential risks and what is the possible return if I invest in my marriage?

The risks are greater for not investing in your marriage than they are for investing. To ignore the principle of making investments in your marriage can lead to drifting apart, vulnerability to the attention of others, escapes into alcohol, spending too much money, a hard heart, and even divorce.

Most people want to know “what’s in it for me?”

Many people invest in their marriage for the purpose of getting their spouse to change. But the investment can have a personal pay-off whether the other person changes or not. Jesus said that it is better to give than to receive. The practice of giving brings personal joy, regardless of the response from the other person.

Rare is the person who does not draw closer to a spouse who invests time, gratitude, emotions, and money into the marriage. The pay-off is a long-term marriage, full of love, satisfaction, and joy.

Donna Edwards
Living Well
http://www.livingwellokc.org/

A Checkup

2009-10-26T13:03:00.004-05:00

H1N1, Type A flu, winter colds, pneumonia, sigh........Everyone is talking about getting sick these days. That makes sense, with all that is going around in the air, but something that is every bit as important as vaccinations and nasal mists and medications is prevention. Everyone wants to talk about getting the shot, but things like sneezing into the inside of your elbow, washing your hands, and using Germ-X doesn't seem nearly as "sensational", but is just as important. Then, there is the little matter of a healthy immune system. Being healthy can be as simple as getting a check up once in a while, and then taking good care of yourself.

Okay, so what does that have to do with marriage? I in no way want to equate a marriage with the flu...that's just asking for trouble. But, what if we could pay a little (a lot?) more attention to some work on the front end, and save ourselves the heartache at the back end more often? What if we could do a little prevention and avoid getting sick altogether? Here's a checkup for us from Colossians that might help us to know where we our relational "immune systems" might need some help:

On a scale from 0 (not at all), to 10 (this characterizes me), are we dealing with:

1) Counterfeit Intimacy--Illegitimate ways to meet a legitimate desire for love. Paul tells us to "put to death whatever belongs to (our) earthly nature; sexual immorality, impurity, lust..." (3:5). Are we struggling with pornography, an affair, or other sexual sins that have us giving our best affection to someone or something other than our spouse?

2) Counterfeit Worship--Illegitimate desire for legitimate material things. Paul goes on to tell us we should also put down "evil desire and greed, which is idolatry". (3:5b) What gets the best of our time, attention, and emotions? Is is our relationships, or our career, or our hobbies, or our retirement savings, or ..... The list can be endless. But note something. Paul equates greed with idolatry. Is there something in my life that has taken the place of God when it comes to how I devote myself to my days. If my walk, and my marriage, and my parenting have the best of me, I'm on the right track. If I spend all of my emotional and spiritual energy "keeping up with the Joneses", perhaps something besides God is sitting on the throne of my life.

3) Counterfeit Communication--Illegitimate ways of sharing legitimate thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other..." (3:8-9a) How do we use our words? Do I handle my emotions, my disagreements, my hopes, and my disappointments with my loved ones with grace, or in a way that removes my ability to speak into their lives. This can happen in a couple of ways. One, I can be harsh, cold, impatient, and angry in how and what I say. That will do nothing to encourage someone to listen to me in a loving way. Secondly, though, in a world full of Talk Radio, cell phones, twitter, 24 hour news channels and so on, sometimes we just get tired of all of it, and we stop listening to everything. Our family, and our God, included. Check yourself: how are you speaking, and to what are you listenting? Is there room to hear in your life?

4) Counterfeit Identity--Illegitimate means to acheive legitimate status or influence.
“Here, there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all and is in all.” (3:11) In Paul's day, people were using anything from their ethnic heritage to their gender to "jockey for position", even in the church. Sometimes we aren't much different. We will appeal to our knowledge, our experience, the way it was in our family; all kinds of things to show that we are "Right". But when we do so, we tend to lose our audience. No one wants to be close to someone that has to win every argument, or come out on top every time we disagree. Work to make sure we see, and relate to, each other with God's perspective of their value.

If you have some answers that are higher than you would like on these scales, don't be alarmed. Most couples deal with some part of at least some of these somewhere along the way. Talk together about what you see, and pray that God would show you what the next step is. Maybe it's as simple as talking about something a different way, or changing the way you handle some situations. If the situation requires a substantial life change, or a need for some help, let someone know. A pastor, a good Christian counselor, and/or a trusted friend can help you with some deeper needs. Look elsewhere on this website for some resources if this is your situation. Most of all, don't give up. You never know how God will move to make things better until you ask Him. Grace and Peace to you, in Him,

Shawn Crawley
MNO

Churches Help Marriages TWO IGNITE

2009-10-23T14:52:00.008-05:00

I ran across a very interesting church project the other day. Two Christian churches -- one in Branson, Mo., the other in Phoenix, Az. -- have launched a joint marriage ministry project in their respective churches called TWO IGNITE.

It all started a couple years ago with several couples from across the country and 3 key questions they asked of themselves. Their initial questions were:

1) When someone says ‘Marriage Ministry’ you think _____?
2) Where would you rate your marriage on a scale of one to 10 _____?
3) For a marriage ministry to work in the local church, it would have to be _____?

After wrestling with their answers, these two churches have since developed an extensive, fun, challenging, couple-based, ongoing program of marriage ministry for interested couples who attend their churches.

Over the course of the year, they are thematically covering 12 key topics that are critical to every marriage. They call these dozen key marriage topics IGNITERS. I think the churches have been tackling physical health and fitness for married couples this month.

The marriage ministry team at these two churches are creating excellent resources, sharing information, and developing webisodes which follow 12 participating TWO IGNITE couples (of various ages) around as each of these Igniters are presented and implemented (think a tasteful version of Reality TV). Well-known Christian author Dr. Gary Smalley, and his wife, Norma, are one of the couples. A blog chronicles the church-wide and couple experiences in both Branson and Phoenix, too.

Learn more, and check out their Web-site at: http://twoignite.com/

TWO IGNITE just might help to ignite a more comprehensive approach to marriage ministry at your church!

David Dunn
Research & Project Director, Oklahoma Family Policy Council
Board Member, Marriage Network Oklahoma

Beware Paybacks!

2009-10-15T11:04:00.006-05:00

Winston Churchhill was known for the power of his tongue and pen. At a dinner party one evening he had imbibed too much and was told by a woman in attendance, "Sir, you are drunk!" Churchill responded, "Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober!" Paybacks can be brutal.

Good communication is critical to every marriage. Strong communciation leads to high levels of relationship satisfaction, but it is an area where many, if not most, couples need growth and improvement. Peter has some powerful words of wisdom for couples in his little letter of 1 Peter.

In this verse, Peter specifically addresses a communication pitfall that many of us fall into. When our mate begins to share with us their feelings, wants, or wishes we often go on the defensive before we have ever truly heard or understood what is being said. This often escalates very quickly into verbal warfare with many ugly, hurtful things being said. If they say something ugly or mean to us, we are going to get our payback by saying something ugly or hurtful back to them.

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9 NIV

How do I know this is so common among couples? Well, I have been guilty with my spouse. Over our 33 years of marriage each of us has said some things at times we wish we hadn't said. Also, I have seen this repeatedly in my work with couples. Peter indicates it's an ongoing issue because the first word in this verse is "do not." It is a strong negative in the original language and carries the idea of stopping something immediately because it is already in progress. He is telling them, "Stop it!" It wasn't a potential problem, it was an going problem in his day.

What does he want them to stop? He wants them to stop the payback. The NIV says "repay" which means getting back at someone for what that person did to you by giving back to them exactly what they sent to you. In other words, it's payback time! Notice Peter says what we repay is "evil with evil and insult with insult." The word "evil" is used here in the sense of feeling mistreated, abused, violated, injured, insulted. The natural reaction is return the same of ugliness back to our spouse. Our payback to them is to injure them with our own toxic verbal missiles. This is always a lose-lose proposition. It is never positive and never gives us the sense of satisfation we think it might.

So, is there an alternative? Yes, instead of "evil for evil and insult for insult" we are return "blessing" for evil and insult. But, you say, "That's not fair." It may not seem fair, but it is right and will produce results you cannot even begin to believe. The word "blessing" is a beautiful word. It is made up of two words in the original language. One meaning "good, wonderful, pleasurable" and the other meaning "words." Together it means to speak "good, wonderful, pleasurable words" to our spouse. We know the word "eulogy" which is a speech extoling the goodness of another person. It is the same word in this verse. We are to speak words that "build up" not "tear down" our spouse. We should "eulogize" them!

Easy to do? No, it is a choice we must make. You can be certain that your spouse will say something to hurt you. Why? Because, like you, they are human. But, you can choose how you will respond when this happens. Will you blast them or bless them? God has given His Holy Spirit to those who believe in Him to convict us and guide us into truth and proper actions. Ask God through His Holy Spirit to empower you to say the right things, to bless and not to blast.

"Bitterness can cause you to shoot toxic verbal missiles loaded with evil toward others. However, the believer is called to launch verbal bombs of blessing loaded with words that build up, not tear down."

May your marriage be strong in Him!

Dr. Walter Mullican
Pastor, Portland Avenue Baptist Church, Oklahoma City, OK
Marriage Network Oklahoma Team Member